SurrENDer

floating (at first) feels
like falling
shedding like
core melting away
the essence: me
never truly there.
demons old, demons new
scurry (strengthen)
if they die
what
am
i
but awake?

Spring is often a time of clearing. For some it’s about lightening the load; for others, about making space for new. Maybe there’s a bit of both. Regardless, as much as we want to clear out what doesn’t serve us any longer, it can still require a great deal of courage and strength.

This particular spring I find myself faced with more big questions about how I want my life to feel, and how much I have to actively work (vs. surrender) to move it in that direction. Part of this exploration for me has been asking the question: how much do I really need?

The big purgeA potential move has me exploring my physical (and with it, mental / emotional) baggage. How much do I want to carry, literally and figuratively, into my future? This past Wednesday, the garbage/recycling truck carried away the contents of a large gray Rubbermaid bin that I have moved countless times, across the country even. It’s contents? Numerous journals (some filled, some barely touched), scrapbooks, photo albums (much of which is already at my fingertips electronically). Regardless of the format, it’s memorabilia touched only when such a change is imminent. Much of this captured past is also quite unpleasant: journals filled with mostly negative thoughts, rants and raves about this and such job, that and such relationship.  But there’s also that occasional happy photo, or that dance competition award, which is often enough to keep me toting this super heavy bin around. The fear that my memory is so poor that I require these things to access anything from my past, which keeps me endlessly attached to this pile of stuff.

But this year, I’m shedding. I’m trying harder to put my energy into trusting that memories can be accessed whenever I like, if I slow down and quiet myself enough to allow them to float up into my consciousness. I’m trying to live with fewer things, to buy fewer things to replace the ones I’m donating, to think less about goals and tasks. This spring my focus is more on how I feel now, and how I want to feel in the future so that I can manifest the best life that I can.


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